I think everything is okay right now. There’s a strange stillness and quiet inside me. At this very moment, I’m not happy, not sad, not angry or excited. I don’t feel anxious about the future. I’m not disturbed by mistakes from the past. I wanted to write about why I see this state as strange—and to explain to myself that it actually isn’t.
I’ve always associated everything being okay with happiness. When I wasn’t happy, I felt like I needed to do something—anything—to get rid of that sadness or discomfort. Our emotional state is surrounded by so many rules that once I notice this absurdity, I feel uneasy. And right now, I’m filling this strange feeling inside me by writing. Because for the past two or three hours, I’ve been thinking about what I should be doing. I tried to understand why something felt off—why there seemed to be a sense of emptiness inside me. But it turns out everything is simply okay. Even if I don’t clearly remember, I think I’ve felt this way many times before.
We need to understand that our emotions don’t come from a single channel. A happy person isn’t necessarily not sad, just as an angry person isn’t necessarily not calm. Since we’re taught to see these as opposites from a young age, we shape our understanding of emotions in that way. And this sense of opposition creates the perception that some emotions, like sadness, are bad, while happiness is good. This, in turn, leads to a meaningless effort and causes emotions to be neglected or ignored.
I don’t know how accurate this expression is, but it feels like I’m right in the middle of everything. Even though I said the opposite at the beginning, the truth is that I am happy, I am sad, I am angry, and I am excited. And somehow, they all give me the same feeling right now. Whether I say I’m happy or not happy, both seem to fit this feeling. And at the same time, it also feels like I’m feeling nothing at all.
In this state, I used to feel uncomfortable and think I always needed to take action and get out of it. But now, I enjoy every moment of it, regardless of what I’m doing. And in this state, I actually do whatever I truly feel like doing in that moment—unconditionally, as if there’s nothing to answer for, as if there’s no need to justify it. And maybe it should always be that way.
I have reasons that explain why I’m happy, matters that make me sad, situations that make me angry, and developments that excite me. They’re all in balance. Whichever one I focus on, I can bring that emotion to the forefront. I feel like writing more and explaining further, but I think I’ve expressed myself enough. And how much can I really speak to someone else anyway? I wish I could always be in this state of mind—if only everyone could be.
Everything is okay. Everything is always okay!